True Feelings

I know that each and everyone of us has feelings, but we keep some of our truest feelings in. Especially when it concerns a loved one, friend or because we're afraid. I do this a lot.
So in this post I'm going to share some of my true feelings. I'm not proud of everything I've said, not said or done. It's hard to think clearly while in the middle of chaos. I know that some will not like what I might say but there is a point to how much a person can take. Part of me wants to write a letter to a few people and tell them what I think, but I wont.

I love my family, but I don't want to talk with them. Every time I talk to them they lecture me. I've grown up a lot since they've known me. The only one in my family that ever made me feel loved was my Mum. It tears me up to hear how she's being treated. She's a grown woman who raised all five of us with very little help from our father. I felt like I was the outsider looking in. I know that I was the spoiled baby, but maybe it had a little to do with my siblings wanting absolute nothing to do with me unless I could babysit for them or their friends so they could go out. It felt like after I got married that they wanted to get to know me.
I've lived so long without knowing any of my siblings so it's easy to live in a different country from them. I was once told that I was the only one that could be with any of my siblings without any fights occurring. It was jokingly said, but it hurt. Not because I wanted to fight with them, it hurt because it felt that was all that happened between them. They didn't and still don't look for the good in each other. The reason I didn't get in as many fights is because I kept in what I felt. If I'm on the phone with any of them, and I can't take the negativity any more then I tell them bye and hang up. They always call back pissed off because I hung up, but I don't answer til I'm ready to talk. I don't want to say something I'll regret, so I hang up.
I know I missed my brother's birthday, but what are you suppose to say to someone you don't know? "Hey, Happy Birthday. Umm bye" No that wont pass.

When I finally get the courage to tell someone very close how I feel, the reaction I get makes me feel worthless. Especially when that person picks up the phone to make a call. How about when you hear the good news when that person is telling someone else?

Goodnight. I should get some sleep before the little ones wake up. Oh, no worries about my family reading this or the other person.

Pumpkin Seeds

Last night we started carving pumpkins. We only succeeded in finishing one of the four pumpkins, but all the innards are out. I left the pumpkins so I could get the kids in bed. James woke up a few hours later because he wanted to snuggle. While we were snuggling on the couch we had a funny conversation.
James: I want to snuggle.
Me: I can't come upstairs to snuggle right now. I still have the pumpkin mess to clean up still.
James: Will you cook the pumpkin seeds?
Me: I don't think so, and remember I'm sick.
James: Please Mom!
Me: I'll just dump them in the trash and I'll buy some cooked pumpkin seeds from the store.
James: Mom that is wasteful. It's cheaper just to cook the ones that we have.

What was I suppose to say to that? He was grinning from ear to ear. I just really wanted to wipe his face clean until there was no grin. He knew that he got me. OH! What am I going to do with him?