Monday, May 23, 2011
My Little Man
I started this post over a year ago. I've decided just to add the pictures without any actual post. More later. Time for bed now.
James' first day of Kindergarten.
He learned how to ice skate with his best friend Zachery.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Our Last Baby is on the way!
If you know me, then you know that I love to tease others. Back on April 1st, I was talking with one of our FAVORITE babysitter's. She was talking about wanting us to have another baby. So I said "So I'm pregnant" and Paige said "I know that's not true because it's too soon after the miscarriage."
Well, my dear Paige didn't realized that I never said the famous.... APRIL FOOLS!!!
Yes, it's true I am pregnant! I announced on facebook by changing my profile picture (11 weeks picture). It instantly got comments. No I wasn't planning on getting pregnant when I did, but we trust the Lord.
This will be my last pregnancy. It's getting to be too much for me to handle. I'm usually considered high risk just because I have to have c-sections, but there are other factors. Pregnancy really does take a lot out of body. This is my 6th pregnancy and I have my first hernia. Lucky for me, I've not had it before. Unlucky me, I'm nauseous from morning sickness and from the hernia. I'm also having some pain in the area that I've had my c-sections. So we're keeping an eye on everything.
I don't know why I didn't do this before, but I'm doing it now. Doing what? You ask. Well, I'm going to try to take pictures every Sunday to show the growth of my belly. As you can tell in the following pictures I can't hide my pregnant belly. I've never been able to hide it.
Oh, I'm due November 27, 2011 but c-sections are usually done the week prior of the due date. So who know this little one could share a birthday with Aunt Corinne and Aunt Lisa! Sharing a birthday with an aunt on both sides, what could beat that? Someone did mention that it would be cool if she was born on November 11, 2011. Yes, 11-11-11!!! We feel like this is our little Naomi Ann that we've been waiting for. The kids are determined that it is Naomi. <3 Especially Emily, she's been telling me all the things she's going to teach her sister. Like "winky winky" which is Emily just moving her little pinky finger to get her Daddy to do something or agree with her. Because it's the little finger that he's wrapped around. It should be interesting how she will deal with sharing her daddy with another girl.
Oh, I'm due November 27, 2011 but c-sections are usually done the week prior of the due date. So who know this little one could share a birthday with Aunt Corinne and Aunt Lisa! Sharing a birthday with an aunt on both sides, what could beat that? Someone did mention that it would be cool if she was born on November 11, 2011. Yes, 11-11-11!!! We feel like this is our little Naomi Ann that we've been waiting for. The kids are determined that it is Naomi. <3 Especially Emily, she's been telling me all the things she's going to teach her sister. Like "winky winky" which is Emily just moving her little pinky finger to get her Daddy to do something or agree with her. Because it's the little finger that he's wrapped around. It should be interesting how she will deal with sharing her daddy with another girl.
10 weeks
11 weeks
You tell me, can I hide the baby belly?
12 weeks
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Forgotten
I know I'm not the only one to have forgotten a name, date, phone number or something important. I try hard not to.
Is there any way to feel like you're not forgotten to your family? I have relations that live 45 minutes, 2 1/2 hours and more way. Even when I did live close it didn't matter I was always the one forgotten.
I have a loving husband who I care deeply about. Friday is our 8th anniversary. I have wonderful children who I absolutely love and adore. Yes, we have struggles.
This might seem strange, but I'm forgotten. Outside of my little family I love my Mum more than anything. She's never made me feel forgotten. I miss her a lot. I need my Mum.
I keep asking myself what is wrong with me, what have I done or keep doing to push others away? I know I'm not better than anyone. Right now I just want to stop hurting, but I don't know how. I've tried to explain to Ben, but he just doesn't understand. True he came from a family that.... what's the phrase "unconditional love". I know I've not made terrible mistakes but I've felt like I was the one cast out.
Is there any way to feel like you're not forgotten to your family? I have relations that live 45 minutes, 2 1/2 hours and more way. Even when I did live close it didn't matter I was always the one forgotten.
I have a loving husband who I care deeply about. Friday is our 8th anniversary. I have wonderful children who I absolutely love and adore. Yes, we have struggles.
This might seem strange, but I'm forgotten. Outside of my little family I love my Mum more than anything. She's never made me feel forgotten. I miss her a lot. I need my Mum.
I keep asking myself what is wrong with me, what have I done or keep doing to push others away? I know I'm not better than anyone. Right now I just want to stop hurting, but I don't know how. I've tried to explain to Ben, but he just doesn't understand. True he came from a family that.... what's the phrase "unconditional love". I know I've not made terrible mistakes but I've felt like I was the one cast out.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Jinxed Holiday Season
I know that I've told friends that my family is jinxed during the holiday season. It usually skips me. Like my Mum told me, it's usually tense during the holiday season that's why it feels like it's jinxed. I know that what happened was the way it was suppose to be. I know that having talked with family that have gone through miscarriages helped me with my first miscarriage. Maybe me sharing my experience will help someone else besides helping me getting it out. Hopefully it's not too graphic.
On Monday, December 20, 2010 I announced on facebook & here that I had a miscarriage the prior week. I thought my body was in the final stages of recovering from the miscarriage. I had back & abdomen minor pains the whole day, but it became unbearable that evening after I done a lot of organizing in our dungeon. By 7pm I was in immense pain, shower didn't help. So I took 2 T3's and they did nothing for me. I got a priesthoood blessing and Ben talked with his Mom for advice. My Relief Society President came over to stay with the kids while Ben took me to the hospital. While my RS President was here, she cleaned my whole main level. It was a wonderful gift. Thank you Maria!
We didn't have to wait long in the waiting room. A nurse checked on me, I eventually got pain medicine 2 hours after arriving at the hospital. Ben did clean up after me many times. I was examined sometime after midnight, it wasn't finished because how bad I was bleeding. Finally around 1am, the on call ER doctor talked with me and told me that I could stay or go home, they just didn't know what would happen later with my condition. It could get better or worse. I was given the choice to stay or go. I believe it was the spirit that was telling me that I should stay. I told the doctor that I would like to stay, she asked why and I explained that it'll be easier with having 3 young kids at home if Ben didn't have to take me back during the night. So it was decided that I would stay, soon after Ben left to go home. We were informed that there's a new on call doctor and he'll be in to check on me. Ben left 10-15 minutes after the doctor left.
I couldn't see the "help/call" button in my room so I got up. I intended to get some help to clean up the bed, I got close to the door, released that my IV machine was plugged into the wall. Then the next thing I remember was laying on the floor with the ER staff waking me up. There was more blood on the floor. They got the bed cleaned up, me back in bed, I was cleaned, examined again. Then the new on call ER doctor called the on call ob/gyn (Dr. Brown) about me. He mentioned that I lost at least 200 ml on the bed and there was more blood on the floor. It was around 2 hours after Ben left that I finally got help. I don't have any ill feelings towards anyone. Part of me feels like it had to happen to get the prompt attention that I needed. I was asked if I wanted Ben called about it. I said no, the call would probably wake up the kids. I lost enough blood that they had blood waiting for a blood transfusion.
So Dr. Brown came to me, talked with me a bit, he felt bad because I was suppose to see him but couldn't get an appointment until Dec. 29. We realized that I've seen him before, when I was pregnant with Matthew and my ob/gyn was out of town. I knew him & trusted him. Dr. Brown told me that he didn't feel good about letting me wait till morning to have an d&c. So I was rushed to the OR for an emergency d&c. I got out of the OR sometime after 5am. I got my blood levels tested again around 7am and finally got some sleep around 8:30am.
We were told that I could be released from 8:30-9:00 am on. So Ben was expecting to hear from the hospital. He called and asked if I would call him. He still didn't know about what happened during the night. Our wonderful neighbor Pam called our home to go over the details for Christmas eve & day. She wasn't expecting to hear that I was in the hospital. She came by and saw me on her lunch break. It was wonderful seeing her. She called Ben after she left and updated him. I was too weak to go down the hall to call. Pam's daughter watched the kids so Ben could come see me.
I roomed with an elderly lady who reminded me of my dad & Margaret (an elderly mentally disabled lady that we use to take care of). It brought a smile to my face. It was hard to sleep because she breathed heavy. I was released sometime after 2pm. As soon as I got home I was sent straight to bed and slept till 7pm.
I've have a difficult time this past week. I don't feel depressed at the loss of the baby. I've never been able to think of the baby as fetus. I don't know how Ben's taking it, he keeps to himself. I have felt like he resents me because of many things. I know it's unreasonable. I know he's doing a lot around the house and he's not use to doing as much. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy and to take it easy. So if you think about the timing, it actually happened at the best time it could possibly could. Ben finished his finals last week and doesn't have school or internship until January 10.
I don't know how I feel emotionally. I'm just exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed. In the last couple of days I've read that two friends are pregnant. I know these two friends have lost a baby too in the past. I've told them congratulations, but I don't feel anything. I guess a good way to describe how I'm feeling is "numb". I don't know what to do to make it a "Merry Christmas" for my family. Physically, I feel like I've been beaten up.
James gave me a wonderful gift. I love him so much. I woke up from my nap this afternoon to find Matthew in a clean onesie instead of his sleeper and James was trying to get Matthew to lay down so he could change his diaper. We all ended up in the living room, James bribed Matthew to let him change the diaper, then he got Emily to take the diaper to the trash. I just wanted to cry for the joy. It was the first time in awhile that I felt anything but numbness.
We had a wonderful evening with the neighbors. It was an answer to my prayers. I've felt very lonely with no family close. I miss some of my old family traditions. The Ouimet's invited us over for Christmas Eve and for Christmas dinner.
I am looking forward to tomorrow when I get to see the kids open up their presents. It was wonderful to see their reactions when Ben & the kids opened up their pajamas tonight. Ben bought his own pajamas (actually workout clothes) because I've not been able to since the miscarriage.
Love & a Merry Christmas to each one of you!
<3 Kathy
On Monday, December 20, 2010 I announced on facebook & here that I had a miscarriage the prior week. I thought my body was in the final stages of recovering from the miscarriage. I had back & abdomen minor pains the whole day, but it became unbearable that evening after I done a lot of organizing in our dungeon. By 7pm I was in immense pain, shower didn't help. So I took 2 T3's and they did nothing for me. I got a priesthoood blessing and Ben talked with his Mom for advice. My Relief Society President came over to stay with the kids while Ben took me to the hospital. While my RS President was here, she cleaned my whole main level. It was a wonderful gift. Thank you Maria!
We didn't have to wait long in the waiting room. A nurse checked on me, I eventually got pain medicine 2 hours after arriving at the hospital. Ben did clean up after me many times. I was examined sometime after midnight, it wasn't finished because how bad I was bleeding. Finally around 1am, the on call ER doctor talked with me and told me that I could stay or go home, they just didn't know what would happen later with my condition. It could get better or worse. I was given the choice to stay or go. I believe it was the spirit that was telling me that I should stay. I told the doctor that I would like to stay, she asked why and I explained that it'll be easier with having 3 young kids at home if Ben didn't have to take me back during the night. So it was decided that I would stay, soon after Ben left to go home. We were informed that there's a new on call doctor and he'll be in to check on me. Ben left 10-15 minutes after the doctor left.
I couldn't see the "help/call" button in my room so I got up. I intended to get some help to clean up the bed, I got close to the door, released that my IV machine was plugged into the wall. Then the next thing I remember was laying on the floor with the ER staff waking me up. There was more blood on the floor. They got the bed cleaned up, me back in bed, I was cleaned, examined again. Then the new on call ER doctor called the on call ob/gyn (Dr. Brown) about me. He mentioned that I lost at least 200 ml on the bed and there was more blood on the floor. It was around 2 hours after Ben left that I finally got help. I don't have any ill feelings towards anyone. Part of me feels like it had to happen to get the prompt attention that I needed. I was asked if I wanted Ben called about it. I said no, the call would probably wake up the kids. I lost enough blood that they had blood waiting for a blood transfusion.
So Dr. Brown came to me, talked with me a bit, he felt bad because I was suppose to see him but couldn't get an appointment until Dec. 29. We realized that I've seen him before, when I was pregnant with Matthew and my ob/gyn was out of town. I knew him & trusted him. Dr. Brown told me that he didn't feel good about letting me wait till morning to have an d&c. So I was rushed to the OR for an emergency d&c. I got out of the OR sometime after 5am. I got my blood levels tested again around 7am and finally got some sleep around 8:30am.
We were told that I could be released from 8:30-9:00 am on. So Ben was expecting to hear from the hospital. He called and asked if I would call him. He still didn't know about what happened during the night. Our wonderful neighbor Pam called our home to go over the details for Christmas eve & day. She wasn't expecting to hear that I was in the hospital. She came by and saw me on her lunch break. It was wonderful seeing her. She called Ben after she left and updated him. I was too weak to go down the hall to call. Pam's daughter watched the kids so Ben could come see me.
I roomed with an elderly lady who reminded me of my dad & Margaret (an elderly mentally disabled lady that we use to take care of). It brought a smile to my face. It was hard to sleep because she breathed heavy. I was released sometime after 2pm. As soon as I got home I was sent straight to bed and slept till 7pm.
I've have a difficult time this past week. I don't feel depressed at the loss of the baby. I've never been able to think of the baby as fetus. I don't know how Ben's taking it, he keeps to himself. I have felt like he resents me because of many things. I know it's unreasonable. I know he's doing a lot around the house and he's not use to doing as much. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy and to take it easy. So if you think about the timing, it actually happened at the best time it could possibly could. Ben finished his finals last week and doesn't have school or internship until January 10.
I don't know how I feel emotionally. I'm just exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed. In the last couple of days I've read that two friends are pregnant. I know these two friends have lost a baby too in the past. I've told them congratulations, but I don't feel anything. I guess a good way to describe how I'm feeling is "numb". I don't know what to do to make it a "Merry Christmas" for my family. Physically, I feel like I've been beaten up.
James gave me a wonderful gift. I love him so much. I woke up from my nap this afternoon to find Matthew in a clean onesie instead of his sleeper and James was trying to get Matthew to lay down so he could change his diaper. We all ended up in the living room, James bribed Matthew to let him change the diaper, then he got Emily to take the diaper to the trash. I just wanted to cry for the joy. It was the first time in awhile that I felt anything but numbness.
We had a wonderful evening with the neighbors. It was an answer to my prayers. I've felt very lonely with no family close. I miss some of my old family traditions. The Ouimet's invited us over for Christmas Eve and for Christmas dinner.
I am looking forward to tomorrow when I get to see the kids open up their presents. It was wonderful to see their reactions when Ben & the kids opened up their pajamas tonight. Ben bought his own pajamas (actually workout clothes) because I've not been able to since the miscarriage.
Love & a Merry Christmas to each one of you!
<3 Kathy
Monday, December 20, 2010
Not the right time
I was looking forward to Christmas this year because we had a special announcement. A few knew what it was. I even made a really cool calendar to tell Ben's parents. James had heard Ben and I talking. We didn't talk right out what it was, but he put everything together and figured out that I was pregnant. He was very excited about it.
This past Tuesday at ultrasound there was a complication. I knew something was wrong, but tried not to panic. I waited in the room after using the bathroom for at least a 1/2 hour. When the tech came back in she told me there was a complication and my doctor wanted me to go straight there.
I called Ben to see if he'll get Matthew & himself ready and go with me. No answer, so I went by myself. According to my ultrasound there was no heartbeat. It was the size of 7 weeks, but it was 3-4 weeks behind. So I had a "missed abortion". I'll go back in next week to make sure I'm alright.
The next day Jenny's (my sister-in-law's) sister lost the battle with depression. She's in my heart. Jenny also had a beautiful baby boy the week before. He has jaundice right now.
Why is the holiday season seem to be the hardest time of year.
This past Tuesday at ultrasound there was a complication. I knew something was wrong, but tried not to panic. I waited in the room after using the bathroom for at least a 1/2 hour. When the tech came back in she told me there was a complication and my doctor wanted me to go straight there.
I called Ben to see if he'll get Matthew & himself ready and go with me. No answer, so I went by myself. According to my ultrasound there was no heartbeat. It was the size of 7 weeks, but it was 3-4 weeks behind. So I had a "missed abortion". I'll go back in next week to make sure I'm alright.
The next day Jenny's (my sister-in-law's) sister lost the battle with depression. She's in my heart. Jenny also had a beautiful baby boy the week before. He has jaundice right now.
Why is the holiday season seem to be the hardest time of year.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
True Feelings
I know that each and everyone of us has feelings, but we keep some of our truest feelings in. Especially when it concerns a loved one, friend or because we're afraid. I do this a lot.
So in this post I'm going to share some of my true feelings. I'm not proud of everything I've said, not said or done. It's hard to think clearly while in the middle of chaos. I know that some will not like what I might say but there is a point to how much a person can take. Part of me wants to write a letter to a few people and tell them what I think, but I wont.
I love my family, but I don't want to talk with them. Every time I talk to them they lecture me. I've grown up a lot since they've known me. The only one in my family that ever made me feel loved was my Mum. It tears me up to hear how she's being treated. She's a grown woman who raised all five of us with very little help from our father. I felt like I was the outsider looking in. I know that I was the spoiled baby, but maybe it had a little to do with my siblings wanting absolute nothing to do with me unless I could babysit for them or their friends so they could go out. It felt like after I got married that they wanted to get to know me.
I've lived so long without knowing any of my siblings so it's easy to live in a different country from them. I was once told that I was the only one that could be with any of my siblings without any fights occurring. It was jokingly said, but it hurt. Not because I wanted to fight with them, it hurt because it felt that was all that happened between them. They didn't and still don't look for the good in each other. The reason I didn't get in as many fights is because I kept in what I felt. If I'm on the phone with any of them, and I can't take the negativity any more then I tell them bye and hang up. They always call back pissed off because I hung up, but I don't answer til I'm ready to talk. I don't want to say something I'll regret, so I hang up.
I know I missed my brother's birthday, but what are you suppose to say to someone you don't know? "Hey, Happy Birthday. Umm bye" No that wont pass.
When I finally get the courage to tell someone very close how I feel, the reaction I get makes me feel worthless. Especially when that person picks up the phone to make a call. How about when you hear the good news when that person is telling someone else?
Goodnight. I should get some sleep before the little ones wake up. Oh, no worries about my family reading this or the other person.
So in this post I'm going to share some of my true feelings. I'm not proud of everything I've said, not said or done. It's hard to think clearly while in the middle of chaos. I know that some will not like what I might say but there is a point to how much a person can take. Part of me wants to write a letter to a few people and tell them what I think, but I wont.
I love my family, but I don't want to talk with them. Every time I talk to them they lecture me. I've grown up a lot since they've known me. The only one in my family that ever made me feel loved was my Mum. It tears me up to hear how she's being treated. She's a grown woman who raised all five of us with very little help from our father. I felt like I was the outsider looking in. I know that I was the spoiled baby, but maybe it had a little to do with my siblings wanting absolute nothing to do with me unless I could babysit for them or their friends so they could go out. It felt like after I got married that they wanted to get to know me.
I've lived so long without knowing any of my siblings so it's easy to live in a different country from them. I was once told that I was the only one that could be with any of my siblings without any fights occurring. It was jokingly said, but it hurt. Not because I wanted to fight with them, it hurt because it felt that was all that happened between them. They didn't and still don't look for the good in each other. The reason I didn't get in as many fights is because I kept in what I felt. If I'm on the phone with any of them, and I can't take the negativity any more then I tell them bye and hang up. They always call back pissed off because I hung up, but I don't answer til I'm ready to talk. I don't want to say something I'll regret, so I hang up.
I know I missed my brother's birthday, but what are you suppose to say to someone you don't know? "Hey, Happy Birthday. Umm bye" No that wont pass.
When I finally get the courage to tell someone very close how I feel, the reaction I get makes me feel worthless. Especially when that person picks up the phone to make a call. How about when you hear the good news when that person is telling someone else?
Goodnight. I should get some sleep before the little ones wake up. Oh, no worries about my family reading this or the other person.
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