True Feelings

I know that each and everyone of us has feelings, but we keep some of our truest feelings in. Especially when it concerns a loved one, friend or because we're afraid. I do this a lot.
So in this post I'm going to share some of my true feelings. I'm not proud of everything I've said, not said or done. It's hard to think clearly while in the middle of chaos. I know that some will not like what I might say but there is a point to how much a person can take. Part of me wants to write a letter to a few people and tell them what I think, but I wont.

I love my family, but I don't want to talk with them. Every time I talk to them they lecture me. I've grown up a lot since they've known me. The only one in my family that ever made me feel loved was my Mum. It tears me up to hear how she's being treated. She's a grown woman who raised all five of us with very little help from our father. I felt like I was the outsider looking in. I know that I was the spoiled baby, but maybe it had a little to do with my siblings wanting absolute nothing to do with me unless I could babysit for them or their friends so they could go out. It felt like after I got married that they wanted to get to know me.
I've lived so long without knowing any of my siblings so it's easy to live in a different country from them. I was once told that I was the only one that could be with any of my siblings without any fights occurring. It was jokingly said, but it hurt. Not because I wanted to fight with them, it hurt because it felt that was all that happened between them. They didn't and still don't look for the good in each other. The reason I didn't get in as many fights is because I kept in what I felt. If I'm on the phone with any of them, and I can't take the negativity any more then I tell them bye and hang up. They always call back pissed off because I hung up, but I don't answer til I'm ready to talk. I don't want to say something I'll regret, so I hang up.
I know I missed my brother's birthday, but what are you suppose to say to someone you don't know? "Hey, Happy Birthday. Umm bye" No that wont pass.

When I finally get the courage to tell someone very close how I feel, the reaction I get makes me feel worthless. Especially when that person picks up the phone to make a call. How about when you hear the good news when that person is telling someone else?

Goodnight. I should get some sleep before the little ones wake up. Oh, no worries about my family reading this or the other person.