Jinxed Holiday Season

I know that I've told friends that my family is jinxed during the holiday season. It usually skips me. Like my Mum told me, it's usually tense during the holiday season that's why it feels like it's jinxed. I know that what happened was the way it was suppose to be. I know that having talked with family that have gone through miscarriages helped me with my first miscarriage. Maybe me sharing my experience will help someone else besides helping me getting it out. Hopefully it's not too graphic.
On Monday, December 20, 2010 I announced on facebook & here that I had a miscarriage the prior week. I thought my body was in the final stages of recovering from the miscarriage. I had back & abdomen minor pains the whole day, but it became unbearable that evening after I done a lot of organizing in our dungeon. By 7pm I was in immense pain, shower didn't help. So I took 2 T3's and they did nothing for me. I got a priesthoood blessing and Ben talked with his Mom for advice. My Relief Society President came over to stay with the kids while Ben took me to the hospital. While my RS President was here, she cleaned my whole main level. It was a wonderful gift. Thank you Maria!
We didn't have to wait long in the waiting room. A nurse checked on me, I eventually got pain medicine 2 hours after arriving at the hospital. Ben did clean up after me many times. I was examined sometime after midnight, it wasn't finished because how bad I was bleeding. Finally around 1am, the on call ER doctor talked with me and told me that I could stay or go home, they just didn't know what would happen later with my condition. It could get better or worse. I was given the choice to stay or go. I believe it was the spirit that was telling me that I should stay. I told the doctor that I would like to stay, she asked why and I explained that it'll be easier with having 3 young kids at home if Ben didn't have to take me back during the night. So it was decided that I would stay, soon after Ben left to go home. We were informed that there's a new on call doctor and he'll be in to check on me. Ben left 10-15 minutes after the doctor left.
I couldn't see the "help/call" button in my room so I got up. I intended to get some help to clean up the bed, I got close to the door, released that my IV machine was plugged into the wall. Then the next thing I remember was laying on the floor with the ER staff waking me up. There was more blood on the floor. They got the bed cleaned up, me back in bed, I was cleaned, examined again. Then the new on call ER doctor called the on call ob/gyn (Dr. Brown) about me. He mentioned that I lost at least 200 ml on the bed and there was more blood on the floor. It was around 2 hours after Ben left that I finally got help. I don't have any ill feelings towards anyone. Part of me feels like it had to happen to get the prompt attention that I needed. I was asked if I wanted Ben called about it. I said no, the call would probably wake up the kids. I lost enough blood that they had blood waiting for a blood transfusion.
So Dr. Brown came to me, talked with me a bit, he felt bad because I was suppose to see him but couldn't get an appointment until Dec. 29. We realized that I've seen him before, when I was pregnant with Matthew and my ob/gyn was out of town. I knew him & trusted him. Dr. Brown told me that he didn't feel good about letting me wait till morning to have an d&c. So I was rushed to the OR for an emergency d&c. I got out of the  OR sometime after 5am. I got my blood levels tested again around 7am and finally got some sleep around 8:30am.
We were told that I could be released from 8:30-9:00 am on. So Ben was expecting to hear from the hospital. He called and asked if I would call him. He still didn't know about what happened during the night. Our wonderful neighbor Pam called our home to go over the details for Christmas eve & day. She wasn't expecting to hear that I was in the hospital. She came by and saw me on her lunch break. It was wonderful seeing her. She called Ben after she left and updated him. I was too weak to go down the hall to call. Pam's daughter watched the kids so Ben could come see me.
I roomed with an elderly lady who reminded me of my dad & Margaret (an elderly mentally disabled lady that we use to take care of). It brought a smile to my face. It was hard to sleep because she breathed heavy. I was released sometime after 2pm. As soon as I got home I was sent straight to bed and slept till 7pm.

I've have a difficult time this past week. I don't feel depressed at the loss of the baby. I've never been able to think of the baby as fetus. I don't know how Ben's taking it, he keeps to himself. I have felt like he resents me because of many things. I know it's unreasonable. I know he's doing a lot around the house and he's not use to doing as much. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy and to take it easy. So if you think about the timing, it actually happened at the best time it could possibly could. Ben finished his finals last week and doesn't have school or internship until January 10.
I don't know how I feel emotionally. I'm just exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed. In the last couple of days I've read that two friends are pregnant. I know these two friends have lost a baby too in the past. I've told them congratulations, but I don't feel anything. I guess a good way to describe how I'm feeling is "numb". I don't know what to do to make it a "Merry Christmas" for my family. Physically, I feel like I've been beaten up.

James gave me a wonderful gift. I love him so much. I woke up from my nap this afternoon to find Matthew in a clean onesie instead of his sleeper and James was trying to get Matthew to lay down so he could change his diaper. We all ended up in the living room, James bribed Matthew to let him change the diaper, then he got Emily to take the diaper to the trash. I just wanted to cry for the joy. It was the first time in awhile that I felt anything but numbness.

We had a wonderful evening with the neighbors. It was an answer to my prayers. I've felt very lonely with no family close. I miss some of my old family traditions. The Ouimet's invited us over for Christmas Eve and for Christmas dinner.
I am looking forward to tomorrow when I get to see the kids open up their presents. It was wonderful to see their reactions when Ben & the kids opened up their pajamas tonight. Ben bought his own pajamas (actually workout clothes) because I've not been able to since the miscarriage.
Love & a Merry Christmas to each one of you!
<3 Kathy

Not the right time

I was looking forward to Christmas this year because we had a special announcement. A few knew what it was. I even made a really cool calendar to tell Ben's parents. James had heard Ben and I talking. We didn't talk right out what it was, but he put everything together and figured out that I was pregnant. He was very excited about it.

This past Tuesday at ultrasound there was a complication. I knew something was wrong, but tried not to panic. I waited in the room after using the bathroom for at least a 1/2 hour. When the tech came back in she told me there was a complication and my doctor wanted me to go straight there.
I called Ben to see if he'll get Matthew & himself ready and go with me. No answer, so I went by myself. According to my ultrasound there was no heartbeat. It was the size of 7 weeks, but it was 3-4 weeks behind. So I had a "missed abortion".  I'll go back in next week to make sure I'm alright.

The next day Jenny's (my sister-in-law's) sister lost the battle with depression. She's in my heart. Jenny also had a beautiful baby boy the week before. He has jaundice right now.

Why is the holiday season seem to be the hardest time of year.

True Feelings

I know that each and everyone of us has feelings, but we keep some of our truest feelings in. Especially when it concerns a loved one, friend or because we're afraid. I do this a lot.
So in this post I'm going to share some of my true feelings. I'm not proud of everything I've said, not said or done. It's hard to think clearly while in the middle of chaos. I know that some will not like what I might say but there is a point to how much a person can take. Part of me wants to write a letter to a few people and tell them what I think, but I wont.

I love my family, but I don't want to talk with them. Every time I talk to them they lecture me. I've grown up a lot since they've known me. The only one in my family that ever made me feel loved was my Mum. It tears me up to hear how she's being treated. She's a grown woman who raised all five of us with very little help from our father. I felt like I was the outsider looking in. I know that I was the spoiled baby, but maybe it had a little to do with my siblings wanting absolute nothing to do with me unless I could babysit for them or their friends so they could go out. It felt like after I got married that they wanted to get to know me.
I've lived so long without knowing any of my siblings so it's easy to live in a different country from them. I was once told that I was the only one that could be with any of my siblings without any fights occurring. It was jokingly said, but it hurt. Not because I wanted to fight with them, it hurt because it felt that was all that happened between them. They didn't and still don't look for the good in each other. The reason I didn't get in as many fights is because I kept in what I felt. If I'm on the phone with any of them, and I can't take the negativity any more then I tell them bye and hang up. They always call back pissed off because I hung up, but I don't answer til I'm ready to talk. I don't want to say something I'll regret, so I hang up.
I know I missed my brother's birthday, but what are you suppose to say to someone you don't know? "Hey, Happy Birthday. Umm bye" No that wont pass.

When I finally get the courage to tell someone very close how I feel, the reaction I get makes me feel worthless. Especially when that person picks up the phone to make a call. How about when you hear the good news when that person is telling someone else?

Goodnight. I should get some sleep before the little ones wake up. Oh, no worries about my family reading this or the other person.

Pumpkin Seeds

Last night we started carving pumpkins. We only succeeded in finishing one of the four pumpkins, but all the innards are out. I left the pumpkins so I could get the kids in bed. James woke up a few hours later because he wanted to snuggle. While we were snuggling on the couch we had a funny conversation.
James: I want to snuggle.
Me: I can't come upstairs to snuggle right now. I still have the pumpkin mess to clean up still.
James: Will you cook the pumpkin seeds?
Me: I don't think so, and remember I'm sick.
James: Please Mom!
Me: I'll just dump them in the trash and I'll buy some cooked pumpkin seeds from the store.
James: Mom that is wasteful. It's cheaper just to cook the ones that we have.

What was I suppose to say to that? He was grinning from ear to ear. I just really wanted to wipe his face clean until there was no grin. He knew that he got me. OH! What am I going to do with him?

So many items so little $

If you're in the same boat as me then you have little extra money. There's so many things that I want but very little money. Ben's awesome cousin is having another $50 GIVEAWAY with CSN Stores! I doubt that any of you wouldn't want $50 GIVEAWAY with CSN Stores! So click here to enter. My wonderful SIL Corinne won last time. It was awesome to hear her response when she won. 

Permission to date my daughter.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor.

Name: __________________________ Date of Birth: __________________________
Height: ___________ Weight: _____________ IQ:___________ GPA: _____________
PIN# ______________________ Drivers License # ____________________________
Boy scout Rank and Badges ________________________________________________
Home Address: _______________________________ City/Town: ________________
Province: _______________________ District: _______________________________ 
Location: __________________ Sub Location: ________________________________
Village: ________________________________
Do you have parents?                             ______ Yes _______ No
Is one male and the other Female?      _______Yes _______ No
If No, Explain: _______________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married: _________________________ 
If less than your age, Explain: ____________________________________________

Accessories Section 
A. Do you own or have access to a van?   ______Yes ______ No
B. A truck with oversized tires? _______Yes _______No
C. A Waterbed? ______Yes _______No
D. A Pickup with a mattress in the back? ______Yes ______No
E. A tattoo? ______ Yes ______No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring ____Yes _____No

If you answer "YES" to any of the above, DISCONTINUE application and LEAVE premises IMMEDIATELY. I suggest RUNNING.

Essay Section 
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? 
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

References Section 
Church you attend: ____________________________________________________
How often do you attend: _______________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview you: ________________________________
Father: _______________
Mother:_______________
Bishop:_______________

Short Answer Section 
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: __________________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: __________________________________________________________________
C. A woman's place in the: _______________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is: __________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________________
F. When I meet a girl , the thing I always notice about her first is: __________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN AND TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

____________________________________________________________
Applicants Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
__________________________                              __________________________
           Mothers Signature                                                                Fathers Signature


___________________________                            __________________________
Bishop's Signature                                                               State Representative/congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. 
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases. 
 

Too long

It's been too long since I'm blogged, but my goal is to make it a weekly habit. Especially when the kids say something funny.

Speaking of funny... This was my conversation with Emily after Jodi left with Grandma Pilling.

Me: I love my baby girl.
Emily: I'm not your baby girl.
Me: You're not my baby girl.
Emily: I'm your kid.
Me: I want a baby girl.
Emily: You can have a baby girl when you get pregnant. (She said this while pointing to my belly.)

My darling girl gave me a great big laugh. It's hard to believe that she's 4 years already.